we are okay

something's gone awful very wrong.

2006-10-31T11:33:18Z

do it, if i love you.
it's going to be a brand new start that doesn't include pezcunts and shitty rants etc.and it'll be private so if you're shit you won't get to see.

sishthe @ 2006-10-31T17:54:00

2006-10-31T06:57:47Z

what i should have said was, "WAY TO FUCKING COP OUT, ASSHOLE"

i should have said, "GET FUCKED" and left.

i should have thrown the fucking corn at her head.
i shouldn't have stayed up all night talking on the phone, listening to that bullshit, saying, 'yeah yeah i know' and then sending retarded post-phone conversation messages, submitting.

i did good, everytime i stopped myself sending messages that i'd later regret.

in orzm news, i'm totes getting a baben (yeah it's an adjective now) haircut. soon. i hope.
one day my complexion will stop being so shit and i can have outrageously hot colour in my hair.

sishthe @ 2006-10-29T21:20:00

2006-10-29T10:25:24Z

what a lame cunt.
what a crappy feeling: being really really excited then being mega let down.

,+ the boys from work just invited me to play poker with them and i said i'd go, but really i'm probably going to go to bed.
pity, cos that collective involves attractive dishpig.

sishthe @ 2006-10-27T23:01:00

2006-10-27T13:08:15Z

oi, scratch what i said about yesterday's green tea
kae, mawson, awesome brilliantly amazing green tea , 600ml instead of 300 FOR THE SAME PRICE, plus it's totes near everywhere i go and it's not shit shit.

plus, duh, probs maybe hopefully full into this kids pants frrealz.
oh, and, phil wins for having tegan and sara on his computer and snack chocolate in his fridge.

now, to finish, a little quote summing up the extent of my heart-disease-encouraging diet...

"Mmmmmm, hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast."

+ps, some cunts are not made for elgay. LOLZ AT YOU YOU FUCKING REET. totes rofl lmcf ymhs khakfljhakljhfkjhahahahahhakhalkjhfahahah,ks.
i forgot my toothbrush so i'll just eat chocolate before bed.

sishthe @ 2006-10-26T21:03:00

2006-10-26T11:07:10Z

i hate having to leave parties that will probably become really awesome cos i have to be home early

and get home to an empty fucking house.

that shit's not cool!!
good news though, killer new dress and orzm green tea and a pretty sick day really.

sishthe @ 2006-10-25T16:03:00

2006-10-25T06:07:58Z

i love on gracie cos she posts nearly as incessantly if not moreso than me.

today was a bit lame, it started with that croissant. wtf's with my canteen not selling cereal, or, you know, anything of substance? cos apparently diet coke for breakfast isn't a good idea.

i should have gone to civic to meet that kid, but seriously, couldn't be fucked. civic's lame now that i have to pay for parking. plus, the grass gave my feet a rash and walking sucks.
the attractive dishpig is working tonight, reckon i should wear some pretty underwear or something.

reckon i should study! but fuck that, totes gon' go buy some tea or something.

sishthe @ 2006-10-24T22:27:00

2006-10-24T12:32:21Z

i'm sunburnt.
i wish i could say i wasn't waiting&wishing. sometimes i'm totally not.
but then othertimes.
fuck, fuck.

maybe it's just the fact that buckley has been on hiatus for so long and is back now and fuck.

nah, it's stupid.
he is and i am and i wish things didn't feel like they were always just that middle stepping stone to something better.
too much wishing.

on another note, though.
i think i might try living on nothing but iced green tea for the rest of forever. not shitty lipton junk, like actual good shit. that isn't shit. 100% green tea.

i wish i didn't skip those classes, i wish i went. it would have been good for me. it would have at least filled in time that was spent in unmet anticipation.

sishthe @ 2006-10-23T16:46:00

2006-10-23T06:50:28Z

sometimes shrugging off undesirable occurances doesn't feel right.
but after days like today, of unending sunshine, beautiful + favourite people things like that just aren't important because the amazing things feel so much better.
amy+red hill lookout+the shins+driving+sleeping in eddo+lunch+louise+vegetarian house+big fiona apple-ing+ralph magazining....bless.

bummer at today being over+impending shitwork to do.

sishthe @ 2006-10-21T16:51:00

2006-10-21T07:03:15Z

the pain in my chest, that heaving and jerking and sobbing,
felt much more real than any of the preceding events of the evening.
the fucking sorrow and the fucking anger and the too-fucking-drunk.

but it's come down to this:
i love you but i don't know how to help you. you hold everyone an arms length away, and what's worse is that collective involves you.
sometimes i want to give up, on you. (like, when you tell me someone's 'picking you' and i threaten to beat up MY peers because YOU feel victimised. aren't seeing some sort of pattern emerging? isn't it a little suspect that you're a perpetual victim? you beg for sympathy but when you get it you're suddenly to proud to accept it.)

aside, aside, aside.
the wine! it was fun, it was exciting.
it was a fun night. there were only 2 people there i don't like and that's saying something: all of those kids are people i am only too glad to associate with.
i especially enjoyed the following, in no particular order.
+lots and lots of dancing with louise.
+fuck, lots and lots of dancing.
+'float on' with everyfucking one.
+cuddles with joshandtimandmaddyandlouandamyandwhoeverelsei cuddled.
+not waking up without clothes
+that radom guy trying to save us from wogs cashing in on our party
+TORI ZOMG etc.

i'm too tired.
too many hours + too little sleep.

sishthe @ 2006-10-19T07:30:00

2006-10-19T07:35:57Z

we broke into an abandoned hotel,
in the name of art/photography,
but then amy got really fucking sad.
that shit is fucked up.
it didn't really affect me until it hit that close to home.

it was odd.
in contrast to the global-warming, extinction level event, doomsday preaching my english teacher was doing when i found out, it makes me wonder, alot of things. mostly it made me morose and a little vague. i cried in deep impact. sorrow is a bastard.

+i used a lot of film today,
and ate too much potato.

sishthe @ 2006-10-10T10:07:00

2006-10-10T00:08:46Z

expectations are for losers.
(or people with the ability to see things through.)

sishthe @ 2006-10-07T14:10:00

2006-10-07T14:15:55Z

except for feeling fat,
i felt pretty good today.

especially when that bogan who borrowed my lighter told me i was hot.

(there has been no conclusive or even progressive moves made on either of our behalves and i'm getting bored and it's taking so long that all those little insecurities and anxieties are gnawing their way through my mind and by the time anything comes to anything, i will have run 100 kilometres in the other motherfucking direction. i shouldn't call him.)

+porn with amy is the shiz. who takes that fucking seriously? honestly. too-sweet smoothies in the sun this morning are also worthy of mention. <3
+i still want film and or my photo vapd back.
+a million dollars. for pretty things. and i suppose a few esoteric bits and pieces.

sishthe @ 2006-10-05T17:23:00

2006-10-05T07:26:57Z

I WANT B&W FILM NOW.

i think today i am close to realising a few new things
they're not good things
they're my car shuddering
my fish shaking;
my mind doing things i don't want it to do.

we are when we are but when we're not we're not?
that's stupid.
i was too drunk at 2am to answer him
i don't think i want to
i just like the idea.
this is stupid.

dear summer:
piss off until i look like audrey hepburn.
frealz.

sishthe @ 2006-10-03T23:46:00

2006-10-03T13:54:03Z

the screaming and hysteria made me feel alive
she's fucking mad, no doubt.
i had it out, though.
raw and shaking and so vulnerable. so vulnerable, on the floor, against the door, against the wall, standing alone.
vulnerable and screaming through so many fucking tears and hiccups and running noses.

and everything i said was true.
i'm on neither side, there are no sides.

the truth is though.
i love him more because he needs me more.

and when i woke up to him crying and holding me because of the nightmares, i knew it for sure.
i want him to trust me. i want not to be pressured into taking sides and duping and disloyalty. i want to be left out of this!
she's just greedy.

sishthe @ 2006-10-02T10:50:00

2006-10-02T00:52:54Z

+apparently i took a pill.

it's nothing to his 6,
i don't want to be caught up in this.

i want some fucking tempura, that's what i want.

sishthe @ 2006-10-01T17:03:00

2006-10-01T07:12:19Z

my throat feels like it did while i yelled for a bucket in that fucking lounge room.
'the drunk bin'. you can't laugh about it.
fucking hell. you're 21.
i cried when you told me you were glad i came. i blame the red wine.
i cried when you made your speech. when dad did. at that stage i think one beer too many or maybe the bourbon and coke that came after was to blame.

i laid on yr friends laps - the ones i thought were SO cute when we were growing up, the ones you just met. the ones who aren't looking after you, they're just looking for the next whateverthefuckitistheyrelookingfor and you just happen to want the same thing or something. you hit on my best friend, after i told you not to. she had a boyfriend!
i hung up on lucy because i don't like her +i wasn't even on the phone to her.
ducat made me drink water, after those chats in the kitchen. he must have been on something, who would be that open about those sorts of things? 'do you want me to call you a taxi?' he called our taxi, made me drink more water. i obeyed. i obeyed.

i smoke like a pro
i wasn't drunk, i was happy.
'i got too loose'.
IM HIS LITTLE SISTER
'yr so cute'

the best part about it was the nap i had this afternoon.
i'm fucking hungry.

sishthe @ 2006-09-26T22:38:00

2006-09-26T12:46:34Z

afterwards i feel like i think i should feel
underneath i feel contaminated,

it's always disappointing.

mostly everything is though.
this is boring.
there's no mystery. just frustration. there's no intrigue! just, 'you're weird'.

had a fun experience at marist today that involved near-headon crashes with buses, attempted manslaughter because apparently marist boys don't know how to move out of the way of a moving car, and then trying to do sly u-turns on their retarded asphalt playground.
all-in-all, a humiliating but hilarious experience.

somewhere, i wish i could pull something off that would get rid of this ache that of late has persisted and persisted. johnthesavageandpneumaticleninaANDweirdbernardmarx can FUCK OFF.
i am over school. i have two pieces of assessment to do before friday and i've resigned to only completing one of them.
i'll make up a lie.

something inside me that was never there has died.

(claiming poetic license. get fucked. i want my fucking digicuntcamera back.)

sishthe @ 2006-09-25T23:12:00

2006-09-25T13:14:12Z

todays lesson lies in too many chips and procrastination.
it was a lame day, really.

nothing being certain
is certainly tiresome.

sishthe @ 2006-09-24T13:30:00

2006-09-24T03:32:52Z

ah, dear you;;;
fuck off, you are annoyinggggg! once again you're holding me back and i thought i'd fucked you off for good.

..you should be bludgeoned in yr bed.

sishthe @ 2006-09-23T21:14:00

2006-09-23T11:15:35Z

mostly i just overreact, talk, eat and do all the undesirable things in life too much.

(i'm trying to keep this shit minimal.)

sishthe @ 2006-09-21T23:52:00

2006-09-21T14:01:02Z

pretty sure i win at being the suckiest suckah ever to suck!

things aren't coming along quickly enough:
school still isn't over
him!!!! stupid big crushes+afterwork messages and all of that junk that doesn't move things along or make things any more clear.
my car being fixed! it only died today but ... srsly! pretty sure i love my stepdad for leaving some mad defat booze dinner to come home and fix it. too bad i'm not mechanically minded or we could have had a boys night in the garage.

pretty much i'm kicking ass in photo though. that's a lie but i did get mega reassurances from teach todayz, on top of that shit, if not just below the waterline. i'm still better than all those fags though who sit around with their muffintops and shitty sparkly creme eyeshadow talking about their petrol-consumption and, 'homygod ya didn't know that??' and 'ohhh, you should totally do ________/look at my print yah lyke!! aren't i great homyGAWD, technique technique, check my stale concepts and originality!!' or, 'hey!!! how are yoU!??!LRMQ?><TM?!M?!>#LMMR?><NG?<SGN' , shut the fuck up!! you're all munted and retarded and are going to do WEDDDING PHOTOGRAPHY ONE DAY. Or, if you're EXTRA lucky, SCHOOL PHOTOS. That, my dears, is art. LOLZ@YOUSE!!

i think i ate chicken today, pukepukepukepuke.

my parents aren't going away this weekend. i feel trapped. this is stupid.

sishthe @ 2006-09-19T21:43:00

2006-09-19T11:47:30Z

you know what? fuck this faux optimism.
it's getting old and i hate it as much as i hate myself

it's as false as my self acceptance and as transparent as my confidence
and now i'm craving that warm feeling, that suspended animation. that smoke that reminds me so much of home and not being there, that acts as an alibi.

this is cliche and boring.
how about i go find a hole?

sishthe @ 2006-09-19T19:56:00

2006-09-19T10:00:13Z

dear journal

blah blah!
one day i'll be a jet pilot
and
stop being so vulgar
and start giving a shit!

and maybemaybemaybe!
he&i will have cuddles on a regular basis.

in other news, hyperactivity has got the best of me!
i blame the onset of summer.

finfinfinfinfinfinfinfinfinfinfin!

sishthe @ 2006-09-17T17:35:00

2006-09-17T07:45:11Z

DEAR BRIAN

I CRIED BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY! I cried because you didn't play Teenage Angst. I cried because I yelled my fucking jesus up. I cried because the sluts next to me weren't half the fan I am but they were closer to you than I was. I cried because your set was too short and too impersonal. I cried because you were smoking on stage. I cried because your bassist/guitarist was the fucking coolest. I cried because you're probably amazing. I cried because I couldn't breathe. I cried because I developed a new scent association and I'll probably cry again if I smell it again.

--
DEAR NEW BOY

pleasebesomethinggoodtheend!

--
DEAR SCHOOL

STOP FUCKING ON ME BECAUSE I HATE YOU!!!!

--
DEAR WESTFIELD

YOU FUCKING DISLOYAL, LYING CUNTS. MONEY HAS NOTHING ON TRUST AND LOYALTY. I HOPE YOU FUCK ON YOURSELF AND CHOKE ON THE SEMEN. I HOPE HUNGRY JACKS INFECTS EVERYONE WITH AN EBOLA DISEASE AND YOU GET THE BLAME BECAUSE THE PAMPERED PAV WAS AT LEAST 80 TRILLION TIMES BETTER. YOU CUNTING CUNTS. DIE IN A HOLE.

-------------
dear everyone i love!
thank you for the stealthing and the beers and the dancing and the 80s and the peaches and the cigarettes and peanutbutter on toast and laughing insanely and drambuie and juice and the jobs classifieds over cups of tea and being the fkn shit. ilyilyilyilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

those capital letters made me feel better.

ps,my fun foot disease has left the building. ole.

sishthe @ 2006-09-14T20:49:00

2006-09-14T10:53:15Z

OI, BOY!
..my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

And if you'd'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would'a fared well.

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?
And if you'd'a took to me like
Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would'a fared well.

one day i will be alot of things.